Marriage is a joining of two families, your son’s or daughter’s family and his or her spouse’s family. Therefore, your son’s or daughter’s family is only half yours. Expect it to be different!
Every family has its own way of speaking to each
other, of doing things; has its own set of beliefs, its preferences for working, spending, eating, holidaying and all the many things which make up a way of life, a culture. Two people marry, set up a home, have children and develop their own family culture over the years. Because women usually exercise more say n household matters, it is common to find that family ways are nearer the wife’s family culture than the husband’s. This is why it is sometimes harder for a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law than for a mother and married daughter to live together.
It is helpful if grandparents respect their son’s or daughter’s household the way they would another person’s. It also helps for grandparents to regard grandchildren not so much as their grandchildren but rather as their son’s or daughter’s children. This relieves them of undue worries about grandchildren which rightfully belong to the parents of the children.
In any household, just like in any company, everyone needs to know who is in charge. A clear line of authority makes for an orderly household. Where three generations live under the same roof, there are several possibilities:
Parents in charge
Parents are in charge with parents and grandparents exercising consistent, co-operative care and control over the children. The parents make the decisions and lay down the household rules, quite probably after consultation with the respected grandparents. Problems are referred to the parents for final decision. Grandparents and parents back each other up.
Grandparents in charge
Grandparents hold authority over both the parents and grandchildren, thus reducing both parent and child generations to the same level. The reasons may be different in different families. In traditional families, adult married children continue to live in their parents’ home. They usually hand over their income for their parents to manage and continue to obey their parents in all matters including the upbringing of the grandchildren. There is stability and security in such an arrangement with more family members available for child care. Some couples prefer to leave the care of their children to the grandparents so that they can both pursue careers. The parents probably see their children at night, but the grandparents take care of them and make the decisions.
Parents and Grandparents in charge
Who is really in control? Everyone needs to 
know, especially the children. The maid too, if there is one. Parents and grandparents should take care not to undermine each other. Unless there is a high order of communication, there may be confusion and misunderstanding.
The "Sandwich" Situation
Two adults or sets of adults quarrel via the child. For example, grandparents and parents have differences of opinion, or nurse old hurts which they do not voice to each other but to the children. Or mother and grandmother compete for a child’s affections by trying to outdo each other in giving attention or gifts to the child.
The "Slave" Situation
Grandparents are unwilling to undertake regular child care but are pressed into it because of financial need or by the parents because of unsatisfactorily child care arrangements. They voice resentments against parents to the children, undermining the parents. For example, they may refer to themselves as Ahmad and Amah; or say to the children that their parents, especially their mother, do not love them because she would rather work than care for them.
Three generation homes work well when
the line of authority and communication are good, and individual roles are clearly defined
the adults accept, respect and support each other
the adults resolve any differences which they may have between themselves and do not involve the children
By Dr Dixie Tan
Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 1/95